Sunday, June 16, 2013

Coffee and I Keep Looking at Each Other And It's Awkward

I'm pretty sure I have a caffeine addiction.

*The world stops for a second. Then the world thinks about why it is stopping and, realizing that this facet of Katherine's life is hardly cause for stopping, it begins again, embarrassed.*

Since there was no after school special to warn me about and protect me from caffeine addiction, I have realized that I need to take this matter into my own hands. (At my Catholic middle school, after school specials included warnings about not exercising and cartoon characters telling me intercourse isn't a thing.)

My second step after my admittance is trying to figure out if this addiction should be cause for feelings of shame.  Does this fall into the realm of spreading Nutella on a single frosted flake or putting my Spotify on private session when I listen to music from Glee?  Well, I do know that caffeine addiction is pretty common.  But then again, so is watching Glee.

I can't help but feel not just shame, but weakness when faced with healthier, less dependent friends who are able to walk through life floating (how are they floating if they're walking?) on a caffeine-less cloud while saying things like "I am so tired, I NEED a bottle of water and a solid eight hours of sleep like RIGHT NOW." When I went to Amsterdam with two of my best friends, I dragged them to at least four different cafe shops where they watched me make silent love to a foamy cup (see Catholic school.)   They are lovely people, but their eyes were full of pity/amusement/nausea at my clear dependency on a lover that only tastes good with at least two and half sugars in it.  I might also have a sugar addiction.

The addiction didn't bother me until my head recently started screaming obscene yet oddly creative profanity at me when I go too long without caffeine. "If you don't get coffee right now I will make sure your tongue gets really sore every time you eat more than TWO lollipops in a row FOREVER." Looking back, these seem like pretty blatant bluffs but the headaches are enough to make me hand over all of my money to any person with access to an espresso machine (Not all of these people were selling coffee. They had really nice kitchen curtains, though.)

So now that I've decided this is a shameful, addiction that I need to rectify probably soon, I will go to the only constant presence in my life for help.

(While you wait, here is a picture of my desktop background)

So Google provided me with a number of pages for guidance.  If anything, it made me feel less alone.  But then I read the actual steps.  They went something like this.

Step 1: Write down reasons why you are quitting.
I did that! Just now! (see the words above)

Step 2: Believe it is possible to overcome your addiction
I once believed that if I put water on a rock, a salamander will appear. This should be no problem.

Step 3: Accept that the process will take a lot of time
Ha! I eat a-lot-of-time for breakfast. It goes good with coffee.

Step 4: Realize that this will take effort
Effort like climbing a 15 foot rope or effort like trying not to get water into your shampoo bottle in the shower?

Step 5: Prepare for withdrawal symptoms
I don't understand.

Step 6: Don't do it alone


  1. wait I can post COMMENTS????

  2. booyah. you will never know who I am.

  3. foot fungus is my middle name.